Originally Posted by
Anthony J. Pierzynski
Hey, L’il Choppers! It’s AJ. I know I haven’t posted much this spring, but I’ve been really busy getting my work in down in Lake Buena Vista. I know you’re thinking weight room, batting cages, etc., but let me tell you—that **** is already on lockdown. I’m in the best shape of my life, and I could roll out of bed puking drunk and spray line drives. No, I’ve been working on upping my veteran leadership game, since it’s going to be more important than ever if we’re going to take this group to the promised land. Now that we’ve cleared up that little Highlander situation with Jonny Gomes (spoiler alert: I won) and purged some of the dead wood like Chatty Cathy Swisher, AJ’s leadership game is going to be more important than ever. And, believe me, folks, that game is tight. We’re going to make Atlanta great again, and you’re gonna love it.
When I sat down with John Hart, John Schuerholz, and the other guy, they made it clear that this team needed some attitude adjustment. And you can’t spell “adjustment” without an “A” and a “J,” baby. Who better than me? I’ve won a ring. I’ve been an all-star. I’ve finished 30th in the MVP vote. I’ve won fights on the field and settled numerous civil and criminal complaints out of court. I’m in my prime and I’m ready to lead. Before we get to my supporting cast, here are a few of the guys who won’t be in the clubhouse this year:
Cameron Maybin — Nice kid, family guy, positive attitude, infectious smile. Clearly a loser. Had to go.
Andrelton Simmons — This guy played some pretty solid defense, but it’s not like he was doing it at a really important spot, like behind the dish. Meh.
Christian Bethancourt — Y’all just need to look up my posts last year about Beth. She wasn’t the first gal to get dropped trying to take AJ’s spot.
And here’s the main event:
1. Ender Inciarte — CF — He can really go and get it. And when I say “it,” I mean my equipment bag when I leave it in the clubhouse.
2. Erick Aybar — SS — I gave him the best advice you can give a guy in his situation: rent, don’t buy. In this case it applies to women and real estate in the greater Atlanta area.
3. Freddie Freeman —1B— Someday AJ isn’t going to be around to school you, son.
4. AJ Pierzynski —C— Expect huge games.
5. Hector Olivera —LF— His car collection isn’t nearly as impressive as I expected.
6. Nick Markakis—RF— I texted Nick all winter about what a weak little twit he is, so I’m expecting at least 6 HR from him this year. Motivation, baby. That’s what leadership is all about.
7. Adonis Garcia —3B— I had no idea this guy was even on the team. Another Cuban, huh? We really need to build a wall or something.
8. Jace Peterson —2B— A scrappy kid who plays the game the right way. I heard he played college football, but he can’t wrestle for ****. AJ is still undefeated, baby!
Bench
Tyler Flowers — When you’re looking for a guy to caddy for AJ, just call 1-800-FLOWERS. I taught this kid everything he knows, except framing, but what am I, art dealer? Fredi made it clear that I am the starter, but I expect Ty will get maybe 5 starts per week to make sure he stays sharp.
Jeff Francoeur — From cover boy to whipping boy to poster boy for gullibility, this guy has done it all.
Drew Stubbs — I think he made the team.
Kelly Johnson — Maybe the most boring guy on the roster except Markakis
Gordon Beckham — Another guy who learned his craft from Sensei Pierzynski. You’re welcome, kid.
Pitchers
Julio Teheran — AJ is gonna lead this kid back to the top.
Bud Norris — I call everybody “Bud,” so I expect we’ll get along.
Matt Wisler — Nobody beats the Wiz.
Williams Perez — Flowers can have this guy.
John Gant — I gave him the standard speech I give all rookie pitchers. Keep your mouth shut, nod your head, and hit the target. He’s pumped.
Jose Ramirez — Couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.
Alexi Ogando — His first name is Russian and his last name sounds like an African nation. He throws hard, though, and I respect that.
Jim Johnson — Wasn’t he on the team last year?
Eric O’ Flaherty — Can’t say I’ve ever met the man.
Jason Grilli — Take it from AJ. The less you run, the less chance you have of rupturing an Achilles.
Arodys Vizcaino — Didn’t listen to my advice about masking agents, but he’s a winner.
That’s the gang . . . for now. Happy Opening Day everyone! Hope you’re all opening your beverage of choice. I would crack a couple of Mich Ultras to celebrate, but it looks like I’m in the lineup. Go Braves!
