New Fans' Guide to Opening Day 2015, by Julio3000
Here is part 1 of 3 . . . or so. Stay tuned for the sequels, and hopefully a glossary to help those new to the forums.
I.
Hi, newly-minted Braves fan! Welcome to the bandwagon. After last season and the excitement of the winter, there must be literally dozens of others like you, and we welcome each and every one of you to chopcountry.com! It’s Opening Day 2015, and since you’ve just discovered this site there is reason to believe that you must not be up to speed on the exciting developments and wholesale changes that your new favorite team has undergone in the last six months or so. We’re going to meet your new heroes in a little while, but first we’ll briefly cover some of the events that led up to this singular day.
The 2014 Braves mercifully decided not to break the collective heart of the loyal fanbase by making the playoffs, only to come crashing to earth by virtue of horrible umpiring (2012), or wretched bullpen management (2013). These intrepid souls saved us the torment of another premature playoff exit by soiling their nappies down the stretch and missing the playoffs altogether. However, all was not well. Change was called for. That change would start at the top.
Braves CEO Terence Foster “Terry” McGuirk gave a stern interview in which he stated that accountability for the disaster stretched from the field to the front office, and that no member of the organization would escape scrutiny. It was later discovered, in 4-point type somewhere in Appendix III of Liberty Corp’s 2015 prospectus, that accountability did not, in fact, extend to anyone with the given name “John” or “Terence,” or with the initials “FLG.” Junior Web Intern Franklin Lawrence Gimmelstob and Assistant to the Assistant Marketing Director Felicia Louise Gutierrez breathed sighs of relief, as did other, less important employees with the initials FLG. It was determined that blame lay with one Frank Wren, a seedy-looking drifter who had somehow insinuated himself—no one could quite remember how—into the inner workings of this once-noble enterprise, and had proceeded to lay waste to it. He bullied subordinates, hired cronies who bullied THEIR subordinates, he spent Greg Maffei’s money like Tom Hicks on crystal meth. He ran Bobby Cox out of town, left the toilet seat up, and may have organized an after-hours cockfighting ring in the trainer’s room. He had to go.
He was dismissed, along with his cronies, his issue, and everyone who shared his surname. In fact, promising teenage lefty Felix Falcon was nearly lost in the purge, since all those with avian names fell under suspicion. The Triumvirate of Johns took the reins, and the bloodletting continued. The Mukaki Rebuild (see section III) had begun in earnest.
