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Thread: New Fans' Guide to Opening Day 2015, by Julio3000

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    New Fans' Guide to Opening Day 2015, by Julio3000

    Here is part 1 of 3 . . . or so. Stay tuned for the sequels, and hopefully a glossary to help those new to the forums.

    I.

    Hi, newly-minted Braves fan! Welcome to the bandwagon. After last season and the excitement of the winter, there must be literally dozens of others like you, and we welcome each and every one of you to chopcountry.com! It’s Opening Day 2015, and since you’ve just discovered this site there is reason to believe that you must not be up to speed on the exciting developments and wholesale changes that your new favorite team has undergone in the last six months or so. We’re going to meet your new heroes in a little while, but first we’ll briefly cover some of the events that led up to this singular day.

    The 2014 Braves mercifully decided not to break the collective heart of the loyal fanbase by making the playoffs, only to come crashing to earth by virtue of horrible umpiring (2012), or wretched bullpen management (2013). These intrepid souls saved us the torment of another premature playoff exit by soiling their nappies down the stretch and missing the playoffs altogether. However, all was not well. Change was called for. That change would start at the top.

    Braves CEO Terence Foster “Terry” McGuirk gave a stern interview in which he stated that accountability for the disaster stretched from the field to the front office, and that no member of the organization would escape scrutiny. It was later discovered, in 4-point type somewhere in Appendix III of Liberty Corp’s 2015 prospectus, that accountability did not, in fact, extend to anyone with the given name “John” or “Terence,” or with the initials “FLG.” Junior Web Intern Franklin Lawrence Gimmelstob and Assistant to the Assistant Marketing Director Felicia Louise Gutierrez breathed sighs of relief, as did other, less important employees with the initials FLG. It was determined that blame lay with one Frank Wren, a seedy-looking drifter who had somehow insinuated himself—no one could quite remember how—into the inner workings of this once-noble enterprise, and had proceeded to lay waste to it. He bullied subordinates, hired cronies who bullied THEIR subordinates, he spent Greg Maffei’s money like Tom Hicks on crystal meth. He ran Bobby Cox out of town, left the toilet seat up, and may have organized an after-hours cockfighting ring in the trainer’s room. He had to go.

    He was dismissed, along with his cronies, his issue, and everyone who shared his surname. In fact, promising teenage lefty Felix Falcon was nearly lost in the purge, since all those with avian names fell under suspicion. The Triumvirate of Johns took the reins, and the bloodletting continued. The Mukaki Rebuild (see section III) had begun in earnest.

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    full disclosure: I had started laughing before I even had clicked on the thread title.
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    Thats gold Jerry.
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    II. The Players

    THE OLD GUYS!

    Before we get to know the Opening Day roster, we’ll cover some of the notable additions, subtractions, and additions-by-subtraction.

    Jason Heyward was traded to St. Louis. I am pleased to report that this community handled the news with a grace and equanimity befitting its status as the premiere Braves forum on the internets. He will now take his tired act (consisting of hustle, positive attitude, desire to win, and elite defense) to the Cards, whose fanbase, renowned for their passion and knowledgeability, will surely determine once and for all that he doesn’t, in fact, love baseball.

    Jordan Walden - to STL with Heyward. Just saying his name makes my back ache.

    Justin Upton - traded to SanDiego. Diesel Upton might not have been the face of the franchise, or its heart, but he was at least its sturdy trunk.

    Evan Gattis - Everyone’s favorite ex-janitor will now be shaking scorpions out of his boots in Houston. Godspeed, El Oso Blanco.

    Tommy La Stella - Tried and found wanting, Tommy the Star was acquired by the Cubs and notorious simpleton Theo Epstein. Dalyn wept.

    David Carpenter- Know affectionately to Braves fans as “Whatsisface” and “That One Guy,” Carpenter takes his tools to the Boogie Down.

    Kris Meden - Packed his water bottles and enormous balls into his My Little Pony satchel and headed to KC, that perennial joke of a franchise which will take any stiff who might still smell like the Turner Field clubhouse. Farewell, Kris . . .

    Brandon Beachy - Put his elbow ligaments in a bucket and headed west.

    Craig Kimbrel - Perhaps the ultimate expression of the cost of the Mukaki Rebuild, the future HoFer and notable lipreading subject was traded to SD.

    Melvin Upton, Jr - Noted Braves insider Bill Shanks hates him like cancer, which is enough to make me kinda like him. Craig Kimbrel was the price for giving Weasel Upton and his actual boot the figurative boot. Bye bye, little Bossman.

    Aaron Harang - Now eating innings, and everything else, in Philly.

    Ervin Santana - Currently serving a 50-game suspension for use of PEDs, which he presumably acquired from Frank Wren.

    Kyle Wren - Can’t for the life of me figure out why we let this kid get away.

    THE NEW GUYS!

    The old new brooms in the front office promised us some veteran signings. They delivered. Meet the new guys. Well, the old new guys first:

    Nick Markakis - The man who gave his name to the Mukaki Rebuild (Mukaki, per [MENTION=18]Dalyn[/MENTION], being the plural of Markakis, and surely not conjuring up any other associations) apparently told Fredi that he would take it upon himself to police the clubhouse. He would do this with admirable Spartan discipline, if his off-season beard is any indication, but by 2017 he may be the world’s highest-paid rent-a-cop.

    Jonny Gomes - Signed to keep the clubhouse focused and bug the **** out of Freddie Freeman with 7 AM texts, per MLB.com.

    Jason Grilli - Will provide inspiration to the youngsters on the pitching staff with the captivating power of his near-christlike narrative of redemption—an overdog story of how the well-off son of a big-leaguer was drafted in the first round; then suffered failure, humiliation, and injury before overcoming it and all kinds of other inconvenient **** to become a middling late-inning reliever. Film rights available.

    A.J. Pierzynski - Signed to fill the huge hole left by departing backup backstop Gerald Laird, AJ is most famous for being the most annoying prick in baseball. Get ready to fall in love, Cobb County!

    Eric Young, Jr. - A veteran presence who can get around a big-league clubhouse without stepping on any toes (recycled joke warning).

    Aaaand the new new guys. Some of them are early in their recovery from elbow surgery. Some of them are late in their recovery from elbow surgery. Some of them have badass names like “Rio,” “Mallex,” and “Mike.” All of them are future studs, per [MENTION=7]thethe[/MENTION].

    Manny Banuelos - /bahn-yoo-WAY-los/ Young guy with a big arm.

    Mike Foltynewicz - /fol-tin-EH-vich/ or /FOLT-in-(AY)-vich/ or /FOLT-NE-VICH/ or /mike/ Young guy with a big arm.

    Matt Wisler - /WISS-ler/ Young guy with a big arm.

    Daniel Winkler - /WINK-ler/ Young guy with a big sidearm. [fonzie joke supply depleted]

    The Guy We Got for Kyle Kubitza - /YUNG-GUY-WITH-A-BIG-ARM/

    Max Fried - /FREED/ Young guy with a big arm in a sling.

    Arodys Vizcaino - /vis-cai-EE-no/ Young guy with a suspiciously big arm.

    Jace Peterson - /LAH-STELLA/ He’s good.

    Rio Ruiz - 3B. If I may lapse into my fake mother tongue for a moment, “Rio” es espanol para “Kyle Kubitza.”

    Mallex Smith - CF. Maybe Michael Bourn, maybe Esix: The Remix.

    Not Jace Peterson - He’s a Peterson.

    Next up, Chapter III . . . YOUR 2015 ATLANTA BRAVES!
    Last edited by Julio3000; 04-06-2015 at 01:05 PM.

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    Braves Baseball 2015 - Because you have to field a team.

    CF Eric Young, Jr. He’s really sorry about Huddy’s ankle, y’all.

    2B Jace Peterson. You’ll love this kid. He’s due for a season-ending injury in June.

    RF Nick Markakis. There is nothing funny about this guy. Except maybe when Joe Simpson mentions his Gold Gloves.

    1B Freddie Freeman. Might walk 150 times this season. Might murder Jonny Gomes. Either way, he’s going to contribute.

    LF Jonny Gomes. Hinske-Lite

    3B Chris Johnson. There’s still 30 minutes or so until first pitch. Stay on the phone, John(s)!

    C Christian Bethancourt. Still learning pitch-framing, receiving, and pissing in the ear of umpires from AJ Pierzynski.

    SS Andrelton Simmons. I really, really need to believe in someone right now.

    Bench:

    IF Alberto Callaspo. AKA Fat Albert, AKA Bert Calypso. Can stand at at least two IF positions. Skills include some OBP, homoerotic hot dog pantomime, and domestic violence.

    IF/OF Kelly Johnson. Now Kelly Johnson-lite, featuring half the controversy of the old Kelly Johnson.

    OF Cameron Maybin. Someone called him EY-lite.

    C AJ Pierzynski. I like this guy. He’s got a little bitch in him. Coincidentally, that is exactly what the gastroenterologist said after Aaron Harang accidentally ingested BJ Upton in an unfortunate postgame buffet incident.

    IF Phil Gosselin. Scrap factor TBD.

    Disabled List: OF/1B Joey Terdoslavich. After a massive salary dump, you think he’d have a spot on the roster, but at least he’s no worse than the #2 option right now. Half a loaf is better than no loaf at all. Look for him to leave some skidmarks at the Ted this year.

    **** You Guys, Seriously, Just **** You List: OF Todd Cunningham

    Rotation:
    1. Julio Teheran. I hope Bryce charges the mound this time.
    2. Alex Wood. For all of you CC noobs, “Wood” is slang for an erect penis.
    3. Shelby Miller. We might have found gold in a minor deal this offseason.
    4. Trevor Cahill. We can flip him for a prospect, part 14.
    5. Eric Stults. Not Wandy Rodriguez.

    Bullpen:
    LHP: Luis Avilan. Ol’ Tingle-Fingers is gonna give it a go.
    LHP: Andrew McKirahan Currently hearing horror stories from Avilan.
    RHP: Juan Jaime. Big guy with a young arm.
    RHP: Brandon Cunniff. A little yin added to a roster heavy with yang.
    RHP: Cody Martin. Late addition to the roster from the FYGSJFYL.
    RHP: Jim Johnson. We’ve traded all of our good players. Dick jokes are all we have left.
    RHP: Jason Grilli. Craig Kimbrel, you’re ****in’ out.

    DL: Mike Minor. His arm is messed up, but apparently his wee-wee is ok. That means, considering Pierzynski, we net the same number of irritating pricks in camp as last year.

    GO BRAVES! Make us proud. Failing that, make us laugh.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Julio3000 View Post

    DL: Mike Minor. His arm is messed up, but apparently his wee-wee is ok. That means, considering Pierzynski, we net the same number of irritating pricks in camp as last year.
    I feel like you've been crafting this joke since the moment AJ was signed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MadduxFanII View Post
    I feel like you've been crafting this joke since the moment AJ was signed.
    I'm not sure if I haven't used some iteration of it already. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, too.

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    Dude, I'm going to get in trouble at work I'm laughing so hard.
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    Quote Originally Posted by thethe View Post
    Dude, I'm going to get in trouble at work I'm laughing so hard.
    Same here.

    This is an instant classic. Nice job Julio!!!!

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    Aw, thanks. I'm lucky enough to be home today, so I had a minute to put it together. I'm looking forward to the game thread.

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    We have an early candidate for post(s) of the year!
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    I am interested in compiling a (tongue in cheek) glossary of terms, concepts, board jokes, memes, etc. ostensibly for the use of the uninitiated. If you have nominations for inclusion, post or PM me.

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    Esix: The Remix is my favorite joke. And why is Eric Young Jr not being called that?
    Stockholm, more densely populated than NYC - sturg

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    Quote Originally Posted by zitothebrave View Post
    Esix: The Remix is my favorite joke. And why is Eric Young Jr not being called that?
    I thought "Mallex" kinda suggested it already. I like the way all those x's harmonize.

    But hey, man—be the change you want to see.

    EYJ - - - > E:TR

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    Quote Originally Posted by Julio3000 View Post
    I thought "Mallex" kinda suggested it already. I like the way all those x's harmonize.

    But hey, man—be the change you want to see.

    EYJ - - - > E:TR
    "That's Eric Young, Jr!"

    "Eric Young, Jr is such an ugly player. I prefer Essex. The 'x' makes him sound cool."

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