Gotta Love the Bee

[BedellBrave]

Bernie Sanders Rails Against ‘Greedy Rich People’ From Third House




NORTH HERO, VT—Senator Bernie Sanders delivered a passionate monologue to a dozen lunch guests in the ornate living room of his summer vacation home on Lake Champlain Monday, railing against the evils of unbalanced capitalism, wealth accumulation, and the upper class, sources reported.

“We will never survive in this country while so few greedy rich people own so much!” he reportedly exclaimed inside the $600,000 lakeside home he and his wife recently added to their real estate portfolio, which already included homes in Burlington, VT and Washington, D.C. “How many cars, boats, and houses do these people need? Don’t they know there are people who have nothing? How can they even sleep at night?!”

Finishing caviar hors d’oeuvres and setting down his glass of Dom Pérignon, the United States Senator, who earned over $1 million dollars last year, including $858,750 in book royalties—firmly placing him in the top 1% of the nation—went on to passionately describe the dangers of the concentration of wealth in the hands of a few “gluttonous wealth-hoarders.”

“I will fight back against this corrupt system until the day I die!” he assured his guests, before soliciting donations from them and then retiring to work on his next lucrative book.


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[BedellBrave]

Dozens Accept America As Lord And Savior At First Baptist Dallas Service



DALLAS, TX—After an hour-long service commemorating Independence Day at First Baptist Church in Dallas, a beaming Pastor Robert Jeffress reported that “dozens and dozens” in attendance accepted the United States of America as their lord and savior.

The service’s patriotic songs, political message, and readings from the Founding Fathers all came together to powerfully convict many of their need to place all of their trust in the modern-day nation.

“When the massive flag unfurled behind the choir singing ‘Make America Great Again,’ I couldn’t deny my need any longer,” one emotional man told reporters after the service. “I surrendered my life then and there to the United States of America. May this great country change my sinful heart and make me into a new person.”

“I even wrote the date in the front of my Bible so I’d never forget it,” he added.

All of the new converts reportedly went forward after an impassioned altar call delivered by Jeffress and received a miniature American flag and red commemorative “Make America Great Again” hat, before being asked to recite the nation’s Pledge of Allegiance to seal the deal.

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[BedellBrave]

CNN Lists Job Opening For Head Fiction Writer



ATLANTA, GA—Shortly after being forced to let go three journalists for their involvement in publishing a fake story regarding President Trump’s alleged connection to Russia, media and news network CNN listed a new job opening Wednesday morning for a new head fiction writer.

The network is reportedly looking for a seasoned author of thrilling fiction novels to fabricate news stories for its online and televised news coverage.

“Must have a penchant for weaving complex narratives and fabricating intricate storylines out of thin air for the sake of ratings. Experience in Cold War-era spy novels preferred, in the style of Tom Clancy, etc.,” the listing states. “Author will be responsible for making stuff up out of the blue to form the basis of 5-6 news stories per day. Full salary & benefits.”

The listing also states that “no journalism background is required.”

The network is also reportedly accepting resumes from authors in the genres of science fiction, epic fantasy, and dystopian novels in hopes of bringing well-rounded coverage of completely made-up stories to its followers.

[BedellBrave]

Millions Of Unbelievers Flock To Atheist Paradise Of North Korea




WORLD—A surprising United Nations report indicated Tuesday that millions of atheist immigrants have begun fleeing oppressive nations built on Judeo-Christian beliefs, such as the United States and the United Kingdom, in favor of the “idyllic atheist paradise” of North Korea.

The totalitarian land of plenty has become a popular refuge for devout atheist pilgrims no longer able to take the persecution and backward philosophies of nations founded upon Judeo-Christian values. But increasing oppression in the U.S. has led to a record number of atheist immigrants flocking to Pyongyang.

“Thanks to the wise and godless policies of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, we can have better life and a brighter future,” one atheist immigrant told state-controlled press as he began a third shift at a state-owned steel mill. “This is our Mecca.”

“Let us eternally glorify the sacred revolutionary careers and immortal feats of the great Comrade Kim Il Sung and Comrade Kim Jong Il!”

[BedellBrave]

Report: 92% Of Conversions Occur After Heated Facebook Argument



U.S.—A full 92% of conversions to Christ are the direct result of being “argued into the Kingdom” after the nonbeliever engages in a heated, virulent argument with a Christian, a report by the LifeWay Research confirmed Thursday.

“What our survey and additional research found is what many believers in Christ have long suspected,” a representative told reporters. “Engaging a skeptic online with the intent of shouting them down in a hostile manner is far more effective than other evangelistic methods, like kindness leading to repentance, attempting to understand their position, or just humbly explaining the gospel.”

According to the survey results, the effect was most pronounced when the Christian debater uses harsh language, memes, and threats of hellfire. Further, the poll showed that political arguments in general are responsible for millions of conversions per year.

Other online sources of conversion—such as spamming comments sections with one’s Christian blog posts and trolling nonbelievers on Twitter—were also popular and effective, the study showed.

[BedellBrave]

Trump Picks Alex Jones As New Press Secretary



WASHINGTON, D.C.—Confirming the widespread rumors that Sean Spicer would be departing the office in short order, President Donald Trump has chosen InfoWars chief and renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones as the new Press Secretary, the White House announced Tuesday.

The fiery Jones wasted no time getting in front of the cameras, holding his inaugural press conference shortly after the announcement.

“I am the new Press Secretary!” he bellowed in his distinct Texas growl at all the reporters present, occasionally taking a handkerchief out of his pocket to dab perspiration from his red face. “AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!” he continued, beating his chest like a gorilla.

“We’re comin’ for ya globalists! 1776 will commence, you wicked, wicked devils!” he added, before mumbling something about gay frogs.

Press Secretary Jones concluded the conference early, dismissing every person in the room after announcing that only InfoWars and Breitbart reporters would be allowed to attend press events from this point forward.

[BedellBrave]

Man Anxiously Awaiting Late-Night Shows So He Can Learn What To Think About Day’s Political News



SAN DIEGO, CA—As a self-described “news junkie,” Jeff Clark, 29, takes in a lot of information daily. Confirming to reporters that today was no exception, he reported how anxiously he is awaiting tonight’s lineup of late-night shows, so he can learn from the hosts what to think about today’s political news, and how to respond to it.

“Some heavy stuff went down today,” the restless account manager told reporters. “I think I know how I feel about most of it, but I won’t be sure until I hear what Fallon, Colbert, and Kimmel have to say tonight.”

“Oh man, I’ve got all these Facebook statuses to reply to. Tonight can’t get here quickly enough,” he confirmed, adding that the networks should really run these shows in the early evening.

To kill time before the shows air, Clark busied himself refreshing TMZ’s website to see if any of his most trusted celebrities had opined on the day’s events.

[BedellBrave]

Man Who Constantly Calls People ‘Snowflakes’ Deeply Offended By Slightest Criticism Of President Trump



PAMPA, TX—Local man Peter Elliott, who calls nearly every person he argues with online a “precious snowflake,” is still getting severely offended at the slightest criticism of President Donald Trump, sources confirmed Monday.

“Hey, ya snowflake libtard, why don’t you move to Mexico if you love Mexicans so much? You snowflakes are just so [expletive] precious,” Elliott recently posted in response to a commenter on a Yahoo! News story.

Mere moments later, another Yahoo! user replied to Elliott’s comment and questioned whether the president’s policy was good for the U.S. economy, causing the local builder to become “uncontrollably outraged” as the comment triggered his emotions.

Elliott then “went nuclear” on his online nemesis, according to sources, posting massive, seething rants against his foe without any regard for proper paragraph indentation or punctuation, as the man, in his unbridled rage, found himself completely unable to cope with the reasonable criticism of the president for whom he voted last November.

According to sources close to him, Elliott engages in multiple similar arguments daily.

[Oklahomahawk]

I was wondering where you've been. I see you've been saving them up. I'm a little surprised you didn't explode under the circumstances.

By the way, am I the only one who finds #2 the most troubling of all these?

[BedellBrave]

When satire works best is when it strikes very close to home. :-)

Been traveling friend. Had a wonderful vacation. Drank a pint with a RAF chap nearing retirement at the Red Lion pub near Westminster/Parliament in London. It was fun talking American presidents. Funny - we shared virtually the same opinion of each of them.

[BedellBrave]

Cecile Richards Thanks Ancient God Molech For Continued Government Funding Of Planned Parenthood



NEW YORK, NY—After the messy implosion of Republicans’ health care plan which could have cut off the half-billion government dollars Planned Parenthood receives each year, the organization’s president, Cecile Richards, publicly thanked the ancient Canaanite god of child sacrifice Molech “for his guidance and favor through this difficult season.”

Taking to Twitter after the announcement that Republicans had pulled their health care bill meant to replace ObamaCare, the elated Planned Parenthood chief was quick to credit her higher power. “THANK YOU MOLECH! #IStandWithPP” she tweeted.

“If Molech is for us, who can be against us?” came her next tweet.

In a Tuesday press conference, Richards echoed her previous social media sentiments. “This victory just shows the effectiveness of speaking out, marching, making calls to congress, and worshiping the fiery devourer of the young,” she said, holding up her left arm to show off her pink “What Would Molech Do?” wrist band. “They tried to cut us off, but Planned Parenthood will remain open for business, as it pleases my god.”

“Molech, great and powerful annihilator of small babes, we thank you for this victory, and we swear an oath to continue feeding your insatiable hunger for death,” she added with her eyes closed and head bowed.

[Jaw]

By the way, am I the only one who finds #2 the most troubling of all these?

You are not the only one. That one is more fact than satire in far too many places.

[jpx7]

Lacks the subtlety of good satire, imo. The Onion remains the gold-standard of this sort of stuff.

[BedellBrave]

Lacks the subtlety of good satire, imo. The Onion remains the gold-standard of this sort of stuff.

Top 5 Most Hilarious Satire Sites

We know that many people consider The Babylon Bee to be the highest-quality satire on the web. We appreciate the sentiment very much, but if we’re being honest, there are several sites we just can’t match, that consistently put out better stuff than we do. Join us as we tip our hats to the top 5 satire and parody sites on the internet—in no particular order.

Fox News—Although many feel that Fox News’ satire of sycophantic neo-conservatism is a little too over-the-top to remain believable, we think that’s part of the charm. Whether it’s outraged, screaming on-air personalities foaming at the mouth over President Obama’s evil, liberal legacy, or pundits supporting wild conspiracy theories, Fox News is always on point with its brilliant parody of Republicans.

CNN—CNN does a great job satirizing the mainstream media. Pulling off hilarious pieces like covering President Trump’s ice cream-eating habits and tweets as the world crumbles, investigating meme makers instead of posting anything concrete on Trump’s alleged ties to Russia, and sharing debate questions with the Clinton campaign, CNN does the very best meta satire of the liberal media.

The Huffington Post—When you want a good laugh at some satire of progressive worldviews on culture and social issues, no one can beat the Huffington Post. Articles crying about Trump day after day, drooling over anything Hillary Clinton posts on Twitter, inventing dozens of new genders each day, and smashing the patriarchy—if it’s a good parody of liberal beliefs, you better believe HuffPo is on it. With a new subject of outrage every minute, it’s hard to believe this team of satirists can put out such consistently funny stuff. We’re totally jealous!

Charisma Mag—We like to think we’re the best game in town when it comes to Christian satire, but we’ve gotta give credit where it’s due: Charisma Magazine is the absolute funniest religious humor site on the web. Charisma hits it out of the park almost every time with its parody prophetic columns with almost-believable titles like “When the Sneaky Squid Spirit Starts Stalking You” and “Liberating Truths to Attack Demonic Food Strongholds.” It really is top-notch satire of the extremes of Pentecostalism.

Jesus-Is-Savior.com—You know this is a great parody of fundamentalist, KJV-only folks, because as soon as you open up the page, you’re assaulted with the aggressively bad web design. Right there at the top of the page is a hilarious comic showing the Pope and Satan supporting the NIV Bible and a banner promoting 9/11 conspiracy theories. Sure, it might be a little on-the-nose, but we still appreciate the site’s spot-on parody of fundie wackos. Great job, guys.

There you have it. Do you read these brilliants humor sites as well? If not, you should start.

And remember, satirists can always use encouragement, so make sure to send an email to your favorite news satire site and let them know how much you appreciate their humorous fake news!

[BedellBrave]

Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups



SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks Corporation has unveiled its annual holiday design for the 2016 Christmas season, and it features a prominent inverted Satanic pentacle.

“It is our company’s mission to destroy Christianity,” Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said in a press conference as he showed off the new design. “We would like to see the dark lord Satan’s designs for this nation carried out, beginning with a holiday cup proclaiming our allegiance to the Prince of Darkness.”

“All hail Lucifer! All hail Lucifer!” Schultz declared, chanting in unison with Starbucks employees gathered at the press event.

Christian groups expressed concern over the new design, but many believers were reportedly relieved that Starbucks was not promoting something like unity or tolerance with this year’s cup design.

Schultz ended the press conference by announcing that variant designs would be introduced throughout the holiday season depicting the number of the beast as well as quotes from prominent atheists and other anti-Christian personalities.

[BedellBrave]

Hillary Pushes ‘Free Kermit Gosnell’ Shirt For Planned Parenthood Fundraiser



U.S.—In the latest example of her steadfast devotion to both the abortion provider as well as the convicted serial killer, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took to social media Tuesday with a photo of herself holding up a “Free Kermit Gosnell” shirt, encouraging her followers to purchase the article of clothing in support of Planned Parenthood.

“Support Kermit Gosnell and Planned Parenthood & buy a FREE KERMIT shirt!” she wrote, including a link to the online store where it could be purchased, with a portion of every sale going to support Planned Parenthood.

Gosnell was convicted in 2013 of providing “abortions” by delivering healthy babies and then killing them outside of the womb.

When pressed by one commenter about supporting the liberation of a barbaric serial murderer of born-alive infants, Clinton responded, “Just before birth or just after birth—what difference does it make??”

[BedellBrave]

Lord Jesus Detained At Border While Attempting Second Coming



SAN DIEGO, CA—While attempting to return to take His church up into glory Friday morning, Jesus of Nazareth was reportedly detained by U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents, who have been instructed to halt immigration from several major Middle Eastern and African countries.

As the Messiah descended into Chula Vista while kicking off the foretold, worldwide taking up of His church into glory, He was reportedly tackled to the ground and detained without due process.

“He didn’t look like an American, and He sure as heck wasn’t speaking English,” a Border Protection agent told reporters. “We decided we’d hang onto Him for a few days until we could get His paperwork sorted out, just to be safe.”

The agent also claimed the Lord, wearing a robe dipped in blood, was acting belligerent, having entered the airport with what was described as “a loud shout,” and the Arabic-looking Man was later found to be carrying suspicious-looking scrolls written in some kind of “scary, Middle Eastern language.”

“There was even a deafening, ominous trumpet blast when He showed up, so we’re not ruling out a mass terrorist conspiracy here,” the agent added.

At publishing time, the FBI had been called in to take over the situation, as the Savior had been found to be concealing a large, sharp sword in His mouth.

[BedellBrave]

Eternal God Concerned He Might Be On Wrong Side Of History



HEAVEN—The everlasting Creator God admitted through a messenger Tuesday that He has recently been concerned that His unchanging, eternal truths might end up being on the wrong side of history.

The Lord has reportedly been growing increasingly worried in recent years that His objective morals seem to be more and more out of step with the current culture’s ever-changing standards. According to insiders, the Almighty Creator of the entire universe has been struggling with inner turmoil over the outdated nature of His commands centering around human sexuality, marriage, and gender identity for “a while now.”

“The Lord admits that He just isn’t sure anymore,” the heavenly messenger explained to reporters. “What if human history looks back at Him in a negative light in a couple hundred years? He just doesn’t know if He can take that kind of rejection.”

Several of the Most High God’s attendants have attempted to assure Him otherwise, reminding the Lord that humans change their moral standards every generation or so, and that in the grand scheme of eternity human history was but a fleeting speck. But it was no use.

“God admits that He has a lot of thinking to do, and would appreciate any wise counsel finite humankind would be willing to offer,” the messenger said.


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