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Thread: AJ's Opening Day Preview

  1. #1
    Arizona Fall Leaguer Anthony J. Pierzynski's Avatar
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    AJ's Opening Day Preview

    Hey, L’il Choppers! It’s AJ. I know I haven’t posted much this spring, but I’ve been really busy getting my work in down in Lake Buena Vista. I know you’re thinking weight room, batting cages, etc., but let me tell you—that **** is already on lockdown. I’m in the best shape of my life, and I could roll out of bed puking drunk and spray line drives. No, I’ve been working on upping my veteran leadership game, since it’s going to be more important than ever if we’re going to take this group to the promised land. Now that we’ve cleared up that little Highlander situation with Jonny Gomes (spoiler alert: I won) and purged some of the dead wood like Chatty Cathy Swisher, AJ’s leadership game is going to be more important than ever. And, believe me, folks, that game is tight. We’re going to make Atlanta great again, and you’re gonna love it.

    When I sat down with John Hart, John Schuerholz, and the other guy, they made it clear that this team needed some attitude adjustment. And you can’t spell “adjustment” without an “A” and a “J,” baby. Who better than me? I’ve won a ring. I’ve been an all-star. I’ve finished 30th in the MVP vote. I’ve won fights on the field and settled numerous civil and criminal complaints out of court. I’m in my prime and I’m ready to lead. Before we get to my supporting cast, here are a few of the guys who won’t be in the clubhouse this year:

    Cameron Maybin — Nice kid, family guy, positive attitude, infectious smile. Clearly a loser. Had to go.

    Andrelton Simmons — This guy played some pretty solid defense, but it’s not like he was doing it at a really important spot, like behind the dish. Meh.

    Christian Bethancourt — Y’all just need to look up my posts last year about Beth. She wasn’t the first gal to get dropped trying to take AJ’s spot.

    And here’s the main event:

    1. Ender Inciarte — CF — He can really go and get it. And when I say “it,” I mean my equipment bag when I leave it in the clubhouse.
    2. Erick Aybar — SS — I gave him the best advice you can give a guy in his situation: rent, don’t buy. In this case it applies to women and real estate in the greater Atlanta area.
    3. Freddie Freeman —1B— Someday AJ isn’t going to be around to school you, son.
    4. AJ Pierzynski —C— Expect huge games.
    5. Hector Olivera —LF— His car collection isn’t nearly as impressive as I expected.
    6. Nick Markakis—RF— I texted Nick all winter about what a weak little twit he is, so I’m expecting at least 6 HR from him this year. Motivation, baby. That’s what leadership is all about.
    7. Adonis Garcia —3B— I had no idea this guy was even on the team. Another Cuban, huh? We really need to build a wall or something.
    8. Jace Peterson —2B— A scrappy kid who plays the game the right way. I heard he played college football, but he can’t wrestle for ****. AJ is still undefeated, baby!

    Bench

    Tyler Flowers — When you’re looking for a guy to caddy for AJ, just call 1-800-FLOWERS. I taught this kid everything he knows, except framing, but what am I, art dealer? Fredi made it clear that I am the starter, but I expect Ty will get maybe 5 starts per week to make sure he stays sharp.

    Jeff Francoeur — From cover boy to whipping boy to poster boy for gullibility, this guy has done it all.

    Drew Stubbs — I think he made the team.

    Kelly Johnson — Maybe the most boring guy on the roster except Markakis

    Gordon Beckham — Another guy who learned his craft from Sensei Pierzynski. You’re welcome, kid.

    Pitchers

    Julio Teheran — AJ is gonna lead this kid back to the top.

    Bud Norris — I call everybody “Bud,” so I expect we’ll get along.

    Matt Wisler — Nobody beats the Wiz.

    Williams Perez — Flowers can have this guy.

    John Gant — I gave him the standard speech I give all rookie pitchers. Keep your mouth shut, nod your head, and hit the target. He’s pumped.

    Jose Ramirez — Couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.

    Alexi Ogando — His first name is Russian and his last name sounds like an African nation. He throws hard, though, and I respect that.

    Jim Johnson — Wasn’t he on the team last year?

    Eric O’ Flaherty — Can’t say I’ve ever met the man.

    Jason Grilli — Take it from AJ. The less you run, the less chance you have of rupturing an Achilles.

    Arodys Vizcaino — Didn’t listen to my advice about masking agents, but he’s a winner.

    That’s the gang . . . for now. Happy Opening Day everyone! Hope you’re all opening your beverage of choice. I would crack a couple of Mich Ultras to celebrate, but it looks like I’m in the lineup. Go Braves!

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  3. #2
    Vencer a Los Doyers GovClintonTyree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony J. Pierzynski View Post
    Hey, L’il Choppers! It’s AJ. I know I haven’t posted much this spring, but I’ve been really busy getting my work in down in Lake Buena Vista. I know you’re thinking weight room, batting cages, etc., but let me tell you—that **** is already on lockdown. I’m in the best shape of my life, and I could roll out of bed puking drunk and spray line drives. No, I’ve been working on upping my veteran leadership game, since it’s going to be more important than ever if we’re going to take this group to the promised land. Now that we’ve cleared up that little Highlander situation with Jonny Gomes (spoiler alert: I won) and purged some of the dead wood like Chatty Cathy Swisher, AJ’s leadership game is going to be more important than ever. And, believe me, folks, that game is tight. We’re going to make Atlanta great again, and you’re gonna love it.

    When I sat down with John Hart, John Schuerholz, and the other guy, they made it clear that this team needed some attitude adjustment. And you can’t spell “adjustment” without an “A” and a “J,” baby. Who better than me? I’ve won a ring. I’ve been an all-star. I’ve finished 30th in the MVP vote. I’ve won fights on the field and settled numerous civil and criminal complaints out of court. I’m in my prime and I’m ready to lead. Before we get to my supporting cast, here are a few of the guys who won’t be in the clubhouse this year:

    Cameron Maybin — Nice kid, family guy, positive attitude, infectious smile. Clearly a loser. Had to go.

    Andrelton Simmons — This guy played some pretty solid defense, but it’s not like he was doing it at a really important spot, like behind the dish. Meh.

    Christian Bethancourt — Y’all just need to look up my posts last year about Beth. She wasn’t the first gal to get dropped trying to take AJ’s spot.

    And here’s the main event:

    1. Ender Inciarte — CF — He can really go and get it. And when I say “it,” I mean my equipment bag when I leave it in the clubhouse.
    2. Erick Aybar — SS — I gave him the best advice you can give a guy in his situation: rent, don’t buy. In this case it applies to women and real estate in the greater Atlanta area.
    3. Freddie Freeman —1B— Someday AJ isn’t going to be around to school you, son.
    4. AJ Pierzynski —C— Expect huge games.
    5. Hector Olivera —LF— His car collection isn’t nearly as impressive as I expected.
    6. Nick Markakis—RF— I texted Nick all winter about what a weak little twit he is, so I’m expecting at least 6 HR from him this year. Motivation, baby. That’s what leadership is all about.
    7. Adonis Garcia —3B— I had no idea this guy was even on the team. Another Cuban, huh? We really need to build a wall or something.
    8. Jace Peterson —2B— A scrappy kid who plays the game the right way. I heard he played college football, but he can’t wrestle for ****. AJ is still undefeated, baby!

    Bench

    Tyler Flowers — When you’re looking for a guy to caddy for AJ, just call 1-800-FLOWERS. I taught this kid everything he knows, except framing, but what am I, art dealer? Fredi made it clear that I am the starter, but I expect Ty will get maybe 5 starts per week to make sure he stays sharp.

    Jeff Francoeur — From cover boy to whipping boy to poster boy for gullibility, this guy has done it all.

    Drew Stubbs — I think he made the team.

    Kelly Johnson — Maybe the most boring guy on the roster except Markakis

    Gordon Beckham — Another guy who learned his craft from Sensei Pierzynski. You’re welcome, kid.

    Pitchers

    Julio Teheran — AJ is gonna lead this kid back to the top.

    Bud Norris — I call everybody “Bud,” so I expect we’ll get along.

    Matt Wisler — Nobody beats the Wiz.

    Williams Perez — Flowers can have this guy.

    John Gant — I gave him the standard speech I give all rookie pitchers. Keep your mouth shut, nod your head, and hit the target. He’s pumped.

    Jose Ramirez — Couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.

    Alexi Ogando — His first name is Russian and his last name sounds like an African nation. He throws hard, though, and I respect that.

    Jim Johnson — Wasn’t he on the team last year?

    Eric O’ Flaherty — Can’t say I’ve ever met the man.

    Jason Grilli — Take it from AJ. The less you run, the less chance you have of rupturing an Achilles.

    Arodys Vizcaino — Didn’t listen to my advice about masking agents, but he’s a winner.

    That’s the gang . . . for now. Happy Opening Day everyone! Hope you’re all opening your beverage of choice. I would crack a couple of Mich Ultras to celebrate, but it looks like I’m in the lineup. Go Braves!
    Anthony, thanks for that enlightening rundown, and congratulations for winning the leadership battle with Gomes. Leadership is about winning and winning is about compressing baseballs, and that ****er couldn't hit water from a boat, amirite?

    Anyway, I'm a big fan and was glad to hear Fredi talking about grooming you to manage in the future. Maybe you could get another 20 years to pass your brand of veteran leadership to some of these girly peckerwoods. Eddie Perez seems a little understanding and upbeat for my taste whereas you have no such problem to overcome to excel at leading.

  4. #3
    A Chip Off the Old Rock Julio3000's Avatar
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    AJ forgot Dan Winkler, but I'd be surprised if he knows his name yet, either.

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    Vencer a Los Doyers GovClintonTyree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julio3000 View Post
    AJ forgot Dan Winkler, but I'd be surprised if he knows his name yet, either.
    Same instructions as Gant, baby.

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    Vencer a Los Doyers GovClintonTyree's Avatar
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    Nice inning, AJ, you ****stick. How about paying attention to your craft?

  8. #6
    Director of Minor League Reports rico43's Avatar
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    Between this clown and Millwood, the scout.com board is starting to feel like a fond memory.

  9. #7
    Arizona Fall Leaguer Anthony J. Pierzynski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GovClintonTyree View Post
    Nice inning, AJ, you ****stick. How about paying attention to your craft?
    Hey, I'm highly trained at blocking balls in the dirt. You want me to CATCH it, you have to get it to me on the fly.

  10. #8
    I <3 Ron Paul + gilesfan sturg33's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rico43 View Post
    Between this clown and Millwood, the scout.com board is starting to feel like a fond memory.
    Lighten up

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    Vencer a Los Doyers GovClintonTyree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sturg33 View Post
    Lighten up
    Fake AJ always brings it.

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    Vencer a Los Doyers GovClintonTyree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony J. Pierzynski View Post
    Hey, I'm highly trained at blocking balls in the dirt. You want me to CATCH it, you have to get it to me on the fly.
    I don't know why that pantywaist Encarta or Incindiary or whatever his ****ing name is couldn't hit you in the chest from shallow center. It's bull****.

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    Shift Leader CyYoung31's Avatar
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    Why the hell can't I nominate this for Post of the Week?

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    Hessmania Forever
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    Welcome back AJ! I expect that you on the short list for Trump's VP slot, but please stick around for the season. Plenty of time to campaign in October. Oh wait! We'll be in the playoffs so scratch that. Anyway, great to have a poster who knows baseball top-to-bottom and can give us peons the inside scoop.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rico43 View Post
    Between this clown and Millwood, the scout.com board is starting to feel like a fond memory.
    What is stopping you?

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