Dear Señora Maria,
Word reached me, through a friend of a friend down in Santa Fe, that Nicholas has passed on. I sat with that news for a long time before I could bring myself to write. You may not remember me — Corporal Amos Reed, from the old Portland detachment, back when we were all pretending to be soldiers in that strange, aimless campaign. But I remember him. I remember both of you.
Nicholas was never much of a commander in the military sense. He didn’t bark orders, didn’t keep to the book. What he did instead was look at a man straight through, as if trying to see whether there was still some spark of decency left inside him. For many of us, there wasn’t much left to find. But he looked anyway. That’s what I’ll always remember — his stubborn belief that something finer might still be pulled from the wreckage.
After the whole mess fell apart, I stayed on here in Portland. Couldn’t go back East — too many ghosts, too many folks asking what it had all been for. So I drifted, and somehow found a home among the street artists and the dreamers. I started selling clothes at the Saturday Market — old jackets, patched denim, tie-dyes stitched from surplus gear. Folks started calling it counterculture couture. I laughed at the phrase, but it stuck, and it kept me fed.
Looking back, I think I owe all that to Nicholas. He taught me that rebellion didn’t have to mean anger — it could mean building something gentler in the ruins. Sometimes I still catch myself quoting him to the younger artists who pass by: “Don’t fight ugliness with rage — outshine it with color.”
I saw him last, years ago, down by the river — he was talking about the music, about dance, about a kind of freedom he said he’d finally found. His face looked weathered but at peace. I think he had made his own truce with the world.
Maria, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that his spirit is woven into more lives than you might guess. Every time I sell a bright, patched jacket to some kid trying to find his way, I feel like Nicholas is there too — smiling that crooked smile, saying, “Good, Amos — make the world a little less gray.”
May you find warmth in the memory of his laughter. He gave a lost generation something to believe in — even if it was only that love and defiance can share the same heartbeat.
With respect and affection,
Amos Reed
Former Corporal, Portland Detachment
Now purveyor of patched dreams and counterculture threads