"Folks, we just lived through what media are calling “The 12-Day War,” and what more rational people are calling
“The Dick-Measuring Contest That Lit Itself on Fire
.”
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The economy's rattled. Troops are on alert. Even
Republicans are calling it illegal. And oil prices are twitchier than Don Jr. after a mid-dinner trip to the men’s room.
The same guys who sold you the Iraq War are back in the studio—rebranding war as patriotism. And they even brought new merch.
And like every Trump story, this one begins and ends the same way:
Trump lied.
He lied to the public.
He lied to Congress.
He even lied to Fox News, where truth goes to get waterboarded.
At this point, the only question any journalist should be asking Republicans is:
Why should anyone—foreign or domestic—believe a word America’s President says?
LIE #1:
Trump declared a ceasefire between two countries that kept
bombing each other right through the so-called ceasefire.
Not because it was real, or strategic.
Not because anyone intended to obey him.
But because he wants a
Nobel Peace Prize.
He tried to take credit for a fire drill
after the building had already burned down.
It’s like he directed
“Ceasefire: The Musical,” and the opening night finale was all the actors punching each other backstage.
This wasn’t brokered through diplomacy. No UN. No State Department. No allies.
It was announced unilaterally on Trump's social media, without verification or details:
“ISRAEL. DO NOT DROP THOSE BOMBS. MAJOR VIOLATION. BRING YOUR PILOTS HOME. NOW!”
Because commanding foreign militaries through CAPS LOCK is the definition of statecraft.
Alas,
a ceasefire where both sides keep bombing is not a ceasefire.
LIE #2:
Trump bombed three nuclear sites: Fordo, Natanz, and Isfahan.
He & Secretary of Jaegermeister Pete Hegseth both told America that Iran’s uranium stockpile was
“completely destroyed.”
Except—said stockpile wasn’t actually
there.
Satellite imagery suggests Iran moved the material beforehand. Trucks were seen leaving days before. Those bunkers weren’t busted—they were cleaned-out, vacuumed and Febreezed.
We may have just spent half a billion dollars to blow up some empty basements & vending machines. Basically a military version of Trump University.
Even the UN checked radiation levels. You know what they found?
“No abnormal readings.”
I’m no physicist, but “obliterated uranium” should probably leave
some kind of glow?
And not for nothing, but the fact that Israel kept bombing after Trump & his cabinet declared there were no more nukes seems to indicate - this wasn’t really about nukes.
LIE #3:
Marco Rubio, whose spine is currently in the Smithsonian under “Extinct Vertebrates” declared
“This wasn’t a regime-change move"
Amoral eyeliner model JD Vance proclaimed "Our view has been very clear that we don't want a
regime change."
Pete Hegseth, who prepared for the bombing by playing
Call of Duty and reading the back of a Slim Jim, confirmed "This mission was not and has not been about
regime change."
And yet, within hours, Combover Caligula announced on Truth Social:
“MIGA! MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN! Why not regime change?!”
So we’re not just in a war.
We’re in a
war with no plot and no adult supervision.
We didn’t destroy the nuclear program.
We didn’t topple the regime.
We dropped half a billion in munitions to bomb... a hallway.
It’s
“Mission Accomplished” with worse grammar and a pair of Depends instead of a flight suit.
LIE #4: They Have Intelligence.
Every U.S. intelligence official—even
Trump’s own—said Iran was
not building a bomb. Not enriching weapons-grade uranium. Not violating the deal.
Even
Tulsi Gabbard, his Director of National Intelligence,
a woman who somehow got tricked into cosplaying Condoleezza Rice — had
publicly testified that
Iran is not building a bomb.
But Trump listened instead to…
his feelings.
So what did Trump do?
He told the American people not to believe his Director of National Intelligence.
Which was fine, bc i don’t believe Tulsi Gabbard on her best day.
But let’s be real: Trump launched
a preemptive military strike on a sovereign nation because
his gut told him they were about to get nukes.
This is the same gut that told him COVID would disappear by Easter.
The same gut that told him disinfectant might be medicinal if you inject it.
The same gut that told him he won the 2020 election & tariffs are awesome for consumers.
At this point, we should just assume Trump’s “gut” is actually a second, dumber brain that lives in his colon.
THE BIGGEST LIE:
Let’s not forget:
President Obama had a verifiable nuclear deal with Iran.
It worked.
The Pentagon said it worked.
We knew where the uranium was. We had inspectors on the ground. Diplomacy was actually working.
Until Trump ripped it up like a cat on meth, just because Obama had signed it.
Under Obama, Iran enriched uranium at
3.67%.
Under Trump, it’s
60%.
So now we’re bombing the
same sites that were under control 8 years ago—and pretending it’s progress.
If the deal were still in place, we’d have:
Inspections
Monitoring
Verification
Uranium under lock and key
We’re less safe than we were 8 years ago, and are now bombing the same facilities Obama once defunded & regulated.
Because Trump saw Obama’s signature on the deal, and treated it like a bathroom sign that said, “Mexicans welcome.”
BONUS LIE:
Trump promised energy independence—then started a war
in the Strait of Hormuz, the single most important oil artery in the world.
If Iran blocks it,
Global oil markets go from “mildly rattled” to “apocalyptic Jenga collapse.”
And should oil prices rise, Trump will attempt to calm the masses by promising to But
drill in the Everglades, or something. Because consequences are for the
nextpresident.
Here’s What We’ve Got:
No clear objective
No congressional approval
No international backing
No proof of success
No truth
And Trump declared victory
before we had intelligence, verification, or results.
Iran still has its nuclear program.
The region’s more volatile, and our allies don’t trust us.
Trump has declared a ceasefire, pulled the bombers back, claimed peace, and told MAGA it’s over.
Which means Iran can now race to build a bomb faster than Trump can tweet childish homophobic shit about Anderson Cooper.
If Iran still has nukes—they win.
They’ve got more time, more leverage, more motivation, and fewer inspectors.
Because Trump
quit early & gave himself an “A;” before checking his own homework.
Trump didn’t keep us out of war.
He just kept us out of the truth.
And since bombing Iran didn’t distract us from...
-tariffs
-low polls
-sad parades
-No Kings Protests
-59% oppose his budget bill
-Nat’l Guard deployed to 4 blocks in LA
-richest man on Earth calling him a pedo
...I can’t WAIT to see how he tries to distract us from bombing Iran."
- J. Fugelsang
