Frank Wren just called me asking where he should start for next year. He'll be calling some of you sane ones shortly (sorry Murph, you can go back to bed).
We all know Frank is not really going to fire Fredi so since Frank called me on his landline, Ill save him some long distance charges by ignoring Fredi for the next 5 months. Fire Walker, Fletcher and Toscas. First 2 didnt work and obviously the third one couldnt get Fredi to listen. Fire TP, we cant have him hurting our best hitter in a snit over a little batting helmet. Snitker has to go too. No ass so must not have any balls either. Rest of the coaches kept too well hidden for me to pass judgement.
Now the players. It all comes back to Uggla. The porn stars love him and his guns, and the breeze from his swing and miss approach at Turner Field is refreshing in July and August, so Frank you gatta do it. Trade for a bag of Quik Dri, wipe your tears and move on (If you have to release him, do it, most of us will applaud you). Since you cant trade Uggla for value then you cant resign McCann (not sure you want to, I know I dont). Now, who is next? You cant trade for Howie Kendrick since that would make your 2nd baseman cost $20M plus (still gotta pay Uggla dont you) and Cano is way out of range. What I suggest Frank, Texas, as of yesterdays bible (MLBTradeRumors) agrees that they will have to trade Profar. And we all know that they cream for Justin Upton. So Frank, bless your little heart, do it. Kimbrel steps to the podium. Do we really need a $15M closer like Philly, Gnats and Yankees? IMO Nope. So why dont you see if Mr Illitch can sell a few more pizzas and take him off your hands. Castellanos and Rondon should help but if he wants to talk Porcello instead of Rondon, dont hang up on him.
Now Frank, my next question is what are going to do about a functional bench? I know your favorite approach is to shop at the Salvation Army but Frank, these kids need some adult help. See if you can get AJ Pierzynski to come see you for like a year. I guess we should accept Elliot Johnson for another year since you need to save face as well. But Constanza!!!! Come on Frank have a little mercy for us long sufferers. Look what Cleveland did with Giambi for less money than Reed Johnson. Shafer can fly but we sure dont want him flying too high.
Only two recommendations left Frank. Dont let Liberty pocket all this money Im saving you and please tell Fredi to give the ball to Teheran next opening day and make sure he understands that he is THE MAN.