Greetings, Chop Country brothers and sisters. It's a truly an honor and a pleasure to be a part of the Atlanta Braves organization and to interact with you, the greatest fans in professional sports. Just as I hope to become a small part of a playoff club in Atlanta, I hope to make some modest but worthwhile contribution to this wonderful community.
I chose this thread as a good place to embark on my maiden voyage into the world of online Braves fandom, and I humbly pray for favorable winds and a steady hand on the tiller. Some hurtful things have been said in this thread, and in others, and I hope to convince you all to accept me as a compatriot, a fellow human being, and perhaps even a friend. I know that humor is often the
lingua franca in these parts, and I recognize that, in the words of my favorite philosopher and theologian, St. Thomas Aquinas,
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
I know that many of the sharp words exchanged in this thread were said in jest, and I hope that you good people realize that I am also sometimes given to playful words and deeds, like calling Joe West a fat piece of ****, or asking Freddie Freeman if he is some kind of homo. Still, I understand that I have acquired a certain reputation during my playing career. It's painful to confront the fact, but it can't be denied. A simple Google search will find my name juxtaposed with such epithets as "hated," "prick," "giant douche," and "gaping asshole." These are the facts.
However, I beg for your forbearance. While I have from time to time run afoul of my worthy opponents, and of my good brethren behind the plate like the aforementioned Joe West, I must plead that any actions I undertook were in the protection of my teammates, whom I esteem as brothers-in-arms. It is my duty to protect them and to right wrongs committed against them. To quote Aquinas:
To bear with patience wrongs done to oneself is a mark of perfection, but to bear with patience wrongs done to someone else is a mark of imperfection and even of actual sin.
I simply cannot bear those wrongs with patience, and if that makes me a "giant douche" or a "gaping asshole," then I suppose I must plead guilty. When Joe West squeezes my pitcher, and I am compelled to point out that he is an arrogant, visually impaired bag of human waste, I do so with love in my heart for him and for all mankind. Other men, great peacemakers and givers of laws like The Reverend Martin Luther King, and indeed his namesake, were also reviled and abused by many during their time on earth, and I hope that in time I may make a similar mark on this world, in promoting peace, rectitude, and understanding.
Thank you for your attention, Chop Country. I hope that you, like my new teammates, can embrace me as a brother and a friend. Just not, you know, literally embrace me, 'cause that **** is for ***gots. To paraphrase my second-favorite philosopher and theologian, you can put that on the board . . . YEEEEEEESS!
He gone,
Anthony J. Pierzynski